I love this kind of openness and honesty. When woman are able to look inside and share their own vulnerabilities, I know this is someone I can trust and with whom I want to be close. It is a principle I try to live by myself. Rigorous self-honesty, vulnerability and self responsibility is the foundation of authentic intimacy. Period.

So why do I remain so angry, hurt and personally offended by her imposed moratorium on our friendship? When I reflect on her and our relationship, there is mostly self-righteous anger and condemnation with only fleeting moments of compassion and understanding. I want compassion and understanding most of the time, with only fleeting moments of self-righteous condemnation. What's the deal?

Meditation and prayer is often the only place I have some peace. My Spiritual Guides remind me that we are all wounded and that it is in our woundedness that we most need Spirit and Divine mercy. In my desire to love others with selfless compassion, I come face to face with my own warts and in doing so, I can admit my desire for transformation and healing. From here, receiving love begets love~forgiveness of self begets forgiveness of others~and in my humble wartedness, I learn compassion for another's warts. We all have them. Different sizes and shades perhaps, but lumpy and sometimes blistery just the same.

So today, rather than an internal self assault for my lack of compassion and understanding, I can expose my warts and know that I am loved from where I start. As I expose my own wartedness in the sacredness of my own Divine prayer vigil, I'm less afraid of exposing them out in the light of the physical world. If you show me yours, I'll show you mine?!

Got Warts?

1) Our thinking becomes distorted and we resort to black and white, right and wrong points of view. We do this because of our need for security. With the chaos that accompanies dysfunctional and low functioning family and societal systems, one coping mechanism is to attempt to 'make sense' of the lack of sense and order. We form strong opinions in our minds and try to find security in believing that we 'understand' what is happening. "This is wrong," we might say or "That is the right way." In categorizing our world, there is a sense of order. The sense of order that we have created, at least cognitively, gives us a sense of security and assists us in managing our own internal conflict inherent in the psyche of one whose emotional, physical, spiritual and/or social needs were not adequately and abundantly attended to.

2) Another common coping mechanism is to assign people as good and bad as well. We find blame with those who do not do what is 'right' and side with others who seem to be 'good' and share our views of the world. We may label our own behavior as good or bad as well and in our desire to 'rise above' those swayed by the evil of the world, we work really hard to be 'good' and 'do the right thing.' People can very easily fall out of our 'grace' as we have some clear notions of how they 'should' behave. Self righteousness is common, but we mostly view this as simply seeing the better way or knowing the better way to view a situation.

3) Disillusionment becomes the norm. Eventually, those held in the highest light will fall down from the pedestal. It is disconcerting for us, to say the least. The first time it happens, we may allay our shock and panic with the justification that we simply 'chose' the wrong person in which to place all of our trust. We will choose better next time. When another person held high on the pedestal of goodness and righteousness falls below our expectations or perhaps comes tumbling down, our sense of security may be temporarily shattered again. How do we now make sense of the world, create security for ourselves when we've put our trust in these most fallible people. Might we be fallible as well? Is it possible that all persons are fallible and wounded?

If we maintain a spiritual connection and a willingness for continued growth, this time of disillusionment can be pivotal. In coming face to face with our own distorted and faulty thinking, we are given the opportunity to view the world as gray rather than black and white. It is a time of maturity, of 'ripeness' in our own emotional and spiritual evolution if and only if, we have connection to a 'spiritual source' and become willing to surrender our own distorted thinking and beliefs. If this willingness to surrender happens, spiritual wisdom comes as the gift. In this gift, we learn the Wisdom and Beauty of Gray.

The definition of gray is 'the intermediate between black and white.' It's the place where we recognize or own imperfections and with great compassion and kindness also recognize it is not all of who we are. We are not the sum of our character defects or the sum of our gifts. More accurately, we are closer to the sum of both. Our weaknesses remind us we are not fully Divine and our gifts remind us we are partially Divine. We are all right and wrong, good and bad, human and divine. When we allow this truth to seep into our cells, we breathe a little easier in our own skin. We also have more kindness and tolerance for others. We welcome them with open hearts and mind, knowing they will someday disappoint us, for this is the way it is with gray. It is some where intermediating between our high ideals of the ways things should be and our real life experiences with others and ourselves where errors are made.

There is maturity and wisdom in gray. There is peace, gentleness and forgiveness in the gray as well. Here's to recognizing the beauty and wisdom of gray.

With love,

Sally

For many years, I've done teaching and experiential workshops on Women's Oppression and Women's Competition and have long been committed to raising women's awareness about these issues.

I remain committed to raising awareness and offering women opportunities for concrete actions which contradict old views that keep us from connecting authentically with other women. Here are a couple of actions and that we can all take in service of this worthy goal:

1) Appreciate another Woman. When another woman has contributed to you, tell her. When another woman has made a difference, big or seemingly small, let her know this and give her the appreciation she deserves. As we put energy into this generous acknowledgment of one another, we begin to contradict the shadows and beliefs around seeing one another as competition. As women, we invite community and connection rather than disdain or the threat of another. Feelings of lack and unworthiness give birth to a sense of abundance and appreciation. Take a step to tell another woman, who has influenced you that you appreciate her. Notice what that is like for you and consider making it a regular practice in life.

2) Stop participating in GOSSIP. When we listen to someone talking about another, we are participating in Gossip. There is speaking and listening and to really take a stand of love for our sisters, we must take a stand of not participating in speaking and listening to gossip and triangulated communication. While this boundary may not be welcomed by some in our lives that have gotten used to our participation in gossip, it is a stand and cause worthy of our strength and commitment. Take a stand to speak directly to others who have hurt you or where there may be misunderstanding or miscommunication. Let others in your life know that you hold this boundary with love and care of all women, all persons. Enjoy the freed up energy and sense of integrity that follows. We must stand for ourselves and one another in kindness, courage and care and removing our participation in gossip is a powerful way to do this.

Breathe deeply. Appreciate yourself, appreciate another and take a stand with love for all.

Sally

I've been curious about 'blame' this past week. Who we blame, why we blame, how we blame, when and where we blame. I've had thoughts that 'if only' this person or that person would do 'this thing' or 'that thing', then my life would be better, less stressful and I would be more at peace and authentically joyful and happy.

There have been a couple of challenges in relationships with others that have brought this to the surface. Most especially because I am 'certain' that 'they' are at fault and if 'they' had behaved differently, I would not be feeling the discomfort I am feeling. It is ironic, really, because my chief complaint is that they 'blame' me for something and I have the sense of being 'scapegoated'. It is quite a paradox and clearly a reflection of this internal drive that we all experience from time to time to 'blame' another for whatever difficulty or discomfort we experience.

The word 'blame' has its origins in old Latin from the word 'blaspheme'. When this is translated, its fundamental meaning is to attack that which is sacred. It refers to deal in the realm of evil and irreverence.

I am so grateful for this at the moment. Really. The original meaning of the word 'blame' is to actually act irreverantly and to attack that which is sacred. In a real sense, any time that I blame or point the finger at someone else for my 'unhappiness' or 'discomfort', I become unholy, for authentic intimacy and connection means seeing the sacredness and holiness in all. My desire today is to find the blessing in my blaming. I choose to see the other person as a mirror of myself, a mirror of my own grief not felt, or my love of self not fully embraced. When I have the urge to blame or harshly judge another, I choose instead to see their holiness and to open myself to what they are reflecting back to me about myself. When I do allow this transformation of blame to blessing, my connection to Self and to the Divine is realized. Authentic connection to others always begins with authentic connection to self.

Today, I turn the 'blame' into a 'blessing' and allow myself the gift of holiness in all things.

Lovingly,

Sally

I have been thinking about Divine Purpose and Destiny and how co-sex addiction and recovery healing relates to this. There is a significant connection, I believe and I want to share my perspective here.

The journey of 12 step recovery requires that we descend into our pain, our addictions, our herstory and history and make amends to ourselves and others. In 12-step recovery, an important tenet is making a list of those we have harmed and being willing to make amends to them. We also learn to include ourselves on this list and our greatest amends to ourselves is often living addiction-free and sober lives; from all our addictive behaviors and beliefs.

When we authentically go within and own our own addictive behaviors, our unhealthy dependencies, our chronic judgment, criticism and blaming of others and begin to allow light on our own defects of character, woundedness and shame-filled shadows, we welcome TRANSFORMATION.

In the surrender and opening of ourselves to the places we most deeply wish to hide and keep secret, there is miraculous healing and spiritual cleansing that happens. The extent to which we are authentically vulnerable in our surrendering and openness to Spiritual healing in these darkest of places is the extent to which we are given profound and transformational healing. Our deepest wounds become our greatest gifts.

This is how, in my humble opinion, we connect with our Divine Purpose and Destiny of service to others; it is through the conscious surrendering of our pain and addictive behaviors. In the honoring of these wounds and the release and openness to Goddess/God/Divine Creator/Spirit, our unique gifts of healing emerge. These gifts become service and contribution to others.

Breathe this in. Hold these places of addiction and hurt as sacred. Allow Divine Spirit to transform and receive the gifts for yourself and others.

Blessings to you on your journey as Gifted and Wounded Healer,

Sally